I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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