Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
