One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
