I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
no. you can't hotbox the world.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
