I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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