yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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