Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
