Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
