found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
