Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
