The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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