Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
