summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
This is the high leading the old right now
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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