your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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