This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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