It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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