what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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