In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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