White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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