I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I need to stop coming to work sober
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
