he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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