remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
