There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
