K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
i think my cat just said my name.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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