Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
well you can't waste a boner
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
