Tell her she can't have a vagina
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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