Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
