The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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