omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
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I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
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where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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