I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
