This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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