his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
i think my cat just said my name.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
