so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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