i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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