Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
