Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
