i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
