we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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