Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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