I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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