If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
