my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
