I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
