After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
