Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
