For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
