i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
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Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
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Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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