Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
