Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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