If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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