I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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