i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
