Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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