i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
