my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Randomize
