I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
