my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
