I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
