If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
