I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
