Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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